When you free yourself from your problems’ real culprit, you will be free of the issues.
When you get rid of what or who is pulling strings to your unhappiness and pain, you have a real chance to be happy.
If what is pulling the strings of the loneliness you have been experiencing is expunged from your life, you will no longer experience the loneliness for too long.
As I mentioned before, what’s causing your loneliness is not being alone. The pain you are experiencing is not coming from those things you think, but they are coming from within you. Those feelings that you are having are not out of your control. You have all the power in the world over the emotions that you experience, loneliness included. You exert that power by first knowing you have it, then learning how to get free of what weighs you down, strengthening the muscles you have forgotten, and then using those very muscles to be the boss of your emotional life, including loneliness.
1) When you come to believe you are lovable,
When you have come to know that you are lovable, you will no longer allow people who are less than well-intentioned to remain in your inner circle of life. Your heart now knows what your head had known or suspected all along. You don’t dwell in unnecessary feelings of guilt and trust your decisions and desires, and are in a regular practice of following those inner instructions. Your second nature is to trust yourself with love, kindness, and self-compassion. Your subconscious mind is your best friend, not your foe.
You will give of yourself and your loyalty to those who genuinely deserve you and your dedication.
You will emanate a definite sense of self, attract your like, and welcome those positive, reliable selves into your life. This will reinforce your subconscious and conscious mind the realness, the valid-ness, and the rightness of true self-love that you feel inside you.
2) When you come to know that you are enough just as you are,
When you see that you are enough, good enough, and valid, you open up your life to the real possibilities of life.
You will not dwell in insecurities or think or feel negative judgments of yourself in comparison to others.
You will be in charge of your emotions and become self-aware and open to be curious about the emotional and spiritual atmosphere around you, close and far.
Bullies will lose its power in your life.
You begin genuinely winning at life, competing against you with a team and allies who are also you.
Nothing holds you back emotionally, spiritually, and financially.
3) When you begin to connect to yourself and your world,
You become aware of your needs and wants and get into a regular practice of meeting them and enjoy the sense of calm, peace, and joy.
You move through your time and space with calm courage and allowance of wonder and possibility. You become tuned into your creativity and oneness.
You realize that you belong.
4) When you become free from a negative mindset and victim mindset,
You become the boss of your life.
You no longer have reasons to feel miserable about things that you do not have control over. You focus on what you have the power to control, and that practice deepens your self-empowerment.
The remarkable aspect of having this “hero’s mindset” is that having real power over your life is habit-forming. You will naturally take on more and more of your hero’s ways.
You become addicted to working on making things that you want to happen.
You see life’s games and become addicted to the thrill of solving the riddles and tackling the game and winning.
5) When you are living your purpose, doing your life’s work,
When you are on your life’s path, acting on your passion, making a positive difference in the world, as we are all meant to do, you are living the truest and happiest life.
Your life will be filled with passion and creativity. You will experience the state of flow.
You are doing and living a life that you were born to live, and with it, you have arrived at who you are supposed to be.
When you are whole, when you are in the state of being the best version of yourself, life becomes boundless. You manifest and create things that you desire with ease. You are in an optimal state and flow through life with ease.
You will look to an outsider as if you have the Midas touch in all things, and it is because you are whole and therefore have the excess to the best version of everything that is you in this universe.
Your relationships, career, health, success, joy, happiness, and everything will be at their best because you are the best version of yourself.
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In the next blog, I will discuss with you just how you could overcome loneliness.
It is crucial to know the cause, the correct cause of a problem, any problem if you desire to solve and resolve it truly.
It is, of course, true that you want to resolve your problems. Everyone wants that.
It is also true that we often focus our attention on the wrong area of the problems as it then continues to persist. We focus on the symptoms, the reactions to the symptoms, and the results of them.
We desperately want the symptoms and reactions to the symptoms to go away. We try and try to make them disappear to no avail. We then give up or give in to the idea that we are going to just have to live with them, the problems.
Giving up and giving in then puts us on a path to a victim mindset, depressions, anxiety, failure leading to unhappiness.
No! This is not for us. This is not for you. You know this, and that is why you are reading this.
Onward!
Where was I? Oh, yes, we are talking about the importance of focusing on the right area of a problem if we want to correctly and virtually eliminate the problem.
The right area to focus your attention on to get rid of a problem is to focus on figuring out the cause of the problem.
It sounds simple, and it is simple.
What’s exciting about tackling the cause is that the very cause of your current problem or pain has been and will continue to affect many other areas of your life powerfully. And as you discover that, you will be even more glad that you tackled the cause of your problem.
So there are more than enough reasons to truly find the true cause and attack them to rid your life of things and conditions that you do not like or may even hate in your life.
The causes of loneliness in your life are very likely causing other problems in your life as well. You have more than one good reasons to tackle the cause of the loneliness that is causing unhappiness in your life.
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It is a common belief that human beings are hardwired to connect. That appears to be true.
We human beings indeed find joy in deep connection with other human beings. It is one of the most influential and beautiful things, human connections. Human relationships can inspire, create, and heal most amazingly and beautifully.
It is, however, not true that being alone is the primary cause of loneliness. It is an association(correlation), not causation.
Being alone can cause you to feel lonely if you have been alone for an excessive amount of time. In those cases, the simple solution is to put yourself in a situation where you are with people or around people, and doing that is not difficult. Just put yourself in a social situation.
Most of the time, however, loneliness is not caused by being alone. If you are lonely because you have spent too much time alone, yet have refused to do something about it, ask yourself the question, why have you not done something about spending time with others?
When you see the answer to that question, you begin to see some of the potential causes. Some of your answers might be:
Insecurity
Not feeling wanted
You do not feel that people will like you.
Depression
You are bothered by the imperfections of others.
If you choose to be alone because it makes you happy, then you are not lonely in the first place.
If you have spent too long a time alone and feel that you are powerless to change it, that powerlessness itself indicates a problem of perception and not a true representation of how things exist in your life.
Much of the time, the cause of the loneliness is something other than being alone. You think that being alone causes feelings of loneliness because when you are alone, the feelings you have been distracted from resurface. Those feelings show up in front of you when the disappearance of the distractions of other people’s presence unearth the emotional pains you had.
Some Buddist monks spend most of their time alone in meditation and do not experience loneliness. They are joyful and ready to be useful to the world when they keep their meditation practice going.
As we can find true joy in connecting and sharing with other human beings, it is also just as true that we can find joy and connecting while not being in the presence of other human beings.
Loneliness cannot be caused by being alone.
Trying to stop loneliness by surrounding yourself with people only deepens the problem because it is avoided and masked by temporary solutions.
It’s like having a cut and giving yourself novocaine shots to not feel the pain while ignoring the cut wound that needs stitching and medicine and cleaning to get rid of germs and to heal the wound.
If you don’t heal the cause of your pain, physical, emotional, and even spiritual, your injury can become a bigger problem in your future. They most often do.
There is every reason to look for and find the real cause of any and all problems.
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Following are the core things that are causing the deep loneliness inside you.
1) You feel unlovable
Because you believe that you are not lovable, you will always be ready and vigilant for signs and warnings that confirm your belief. You see them everywhere, even if they are not true. And because you see them everywhere and believe you always get rejected, you create and produce those situations. You remove yourself prematurely, or you will cause others to reject you by dismissing them. You are likely acting negatively or not even giving anyone a chance to leave you or love you by avoiding social situations that will offer you a chance to experience rejection and miss out on love and connection.
2) You feel not good enough, and you are not enough
You believe something is lacking about you
You always feel less than others, no matter who they are. You look for ways that they are better than you or you are less than them. You compare yourself unrealistically and unfairly, where you always end up with an answer in your mind that they are better than you.
In your mind, you are a loser.
Nothing that you do is good enough.
You don’t feel that you deserve to belong anywhere.
3 You are disconnected
You are not genuinely in touch with yourself. You are in the habit of ignoring your needs, wants, and wellbeing.
You do not feel genuine connections to people in your life. You don’t connect emotionally with others in ways that are emotionally satisfying.
You do not feel spiritually disconnected. Whatever your spiritual beliefs are, you are feeling unhelped, uncared for, and unsupported.
4 You have a negative mindset
Victim mindset
You feel like everything goes wrong for you.
You feel like everyone is against you.
You feel like life is against you.
You often wonder, “Why me? Why is this happening to me? ”
You feel like the Universe is against you.
You could feel like you are doomed.
You could feel like you are stuck.
You could feel like life is hard.
You could feel hopeless.
You could feel like a victim of life and victim, period.
You could feel like life is not in your control and often experience depression.
You could feel like you just want to escape those feelings and decide to use alcohol or other substances to feel better. These substances then change the physical chemistry that can put you deeper into bad moods and depressions.
When you have a victim mindset, you become self-focused. It is truly a lonely existence, even if you don’t know that you are.
Bully mindset
You feel like everything will go wrong for you unless you bully to get what you want.
You feel like everyone is against you, so it is ok if you hurt them.
You feel like life is against you, so you take what you can get.
You often wonder, “Why me?” even when you are the one that caused the unfavorable situation to happen.
You feel like the Universe is against you.
You could feel like you have to beat anyone and everyone so that you are not doomed.
You could feel like a victim unless you are on top.
You feel like you have to take control, so you win.
When you are a bully-mindset, you are self-focused. It is truly a lonely existence, even if you don’t know that you are.
You feel like the only way to make good things happen for yourself is by taking what you want no matter the cost. You have to win at all costs. There are only winners and losers in your world.
5 You are not living your purpose (doing your life’s work)
Suppose you are not doing something that you believe in, something that calls to you, something that is meaningful to you beyond measure, something that is your way of contributing to making this world a better place. In that case, you will look for substitution in other ways that only make you feel emptier, as if you are drinking seawater to quench your thirst. You cannot be your best self or your whole self when you are not connected to what it is that you are here to do. That empty feeling will make you feel lonely even if you are surrounded by people.
6 Not feeling whole(not your best you)
When you are not feeling lovable, not feeling good enough, are disconnected from your spiritual self, negative mindsets dominate your mind, and you are not living your purpose, you are not your best version of yourself. You are not your whole self. And in that state, you are going to be dominated by feelings of loneliness.
When you closely examine the real reasons you are feeling lonely, you can see that you can change the painful condition in your life. You can see now that you and only you can help you free from it so that you can find your true happiness.
Next week, I will go over with you the consequence of not working to free yourself from the problem of loneliness.
If you have been in a narcissistic abusive relationship or any other kind of abusive relationship, and you have been on a difficult healing journey this blog is for you.
Maybe you wonder why the full healing takes so long, or you wonder if you can ever fully heal because you still experience pain from that past and many in support groups that you belong to also seem to be eluded by real and permanent healing themselves.
The reason for the difficulty is that many do not know how a real change and healing really must take place. Many do not think true healing is possible for them. Many focus on things that they do not have power to change which takes focus off of the areas that they actually have the power to change thereby halting their real and true change. When you are focusing on what is outside of your control it is waiting for the condition outside of you to change.
When you are looking for change to take place on the outside of you, what you do not have control over, you are not going to focus on the areas of your life that you actually have the power to affect real change. By moving your focus beyond what might be happening to you to what you could do to change your life is the only powerful way to change your life and heal yourself.
The way to heal best possible way is to expand the focus beyond injuries, the pain and the self while taking actions to build new empowered emotional habits along the path that is about being a part of something that is greater than the self.
