heartbreak

How to feel better if your narcissist ex left you for another person

| Nancy

Your narcissist ex has left you for someone new. Even though you were miserable with your ex, you are feeling hurt beyond measure.  You gave all you had. You did everything that they asked of you. You gave up so much for them while they gave up nothing. You are humiliated and feel discarded as if you meant nothing to them.  You feel like nothing. You feel completely and utterly worthless. You simply feel as if you have nothing to hold onto. You don’t even know how to or where to start to feel ok. You are in incredible pain. You desperately want to feel free of this pain. 

I am here to tell you that not only can you get free of that pain and move on, but you can do far better.  You can come out a winner of your own life. You can find the happiness that you had always wanted. You will look back at this very moment and thank the Universe for landing you here, in this very situation because you will see that this was a very pivotal moment where you truly begin to find the amazing person that is you, the very you that you never really knew.  You will find that person, that you, because of what is happening to you right now.

Let’s first annihilate the mistaken notion that you are holding onto in your mind, the very reason why you are feeling so badly, and see if you still want to allow yourself to be fooled into misery.  I think you will say a big NO!

The reason why you are feeling bad about the new person, why you are feeling jealous, is because of the meaning that you are putting on the whole situation.

  1. You are imagining that this person is the most perfect-in-every way.  Ask yourself, is there such a thing as a perfect human being? The answer is “NO”.  There is no such a person as the perfect in every way person that you are imagining your ex’s new person to be.
  1. Since you are thinking that he or she is a perfect-in-every way person, you are also thinking that somehow you are less than that person and that must be why your narcissist ex left you for that person. The FACT is that you have no idea who this person is or the quality of that person so you can not judge them to be better than you.  The FACT is that no one, I mean, no one, is ever better than anyone else. Your imagination that you are less than that person in some way is just your imagination based on NO FACT. How much longer would you like to hold onto a false belief that only makes you miserable?
  1. You might be thinking that somehow, it was your fault.  Let’s think about this imagination. Did your narcissist ex do things that hurt you?  Was your narcissist ex abusive and controlling? Did your narcissist ex throw temper tantrums for no reason whatsoever?  Was your narcissist in general unreasonable? Did your narcissist ex love you like a grown person loves another? The answer to those questions are, resounding, “No” and you and I both know that soon enough that nature of your narcissist ex will emerge with the new person.  And that new person will become confused and unhappy just like you were.  
  1. Another reason why you feel bad is that you are thinking that somehow, there was something that was lacking in you, why your narcissist ex left you for someone else.  Let’s tackle this one. Your narcissist ex never saw you. That person never got to know who you really are. That person does not know how to see anyone in any worthwhile depth because that person, your narcissist ex, has no empathetic curiosity to get to know anyone, ever.  They have interest only in themselves so they never could have rejected who you are. They never accepted who you are by never really knowing you are and they never really know anyone other than at a surface level of their own judgment. So really they did not reject you. They cannot reject what they do not know.

In short of it all, their moving on to someone else has absolutely no meaning.  Their mirage of loving acts had no meaning as they have no meaning for the new person.  Their words, all of them, had no meaning. Who they are, have no meaning. In essence, you were in love with a mirage, a fake, a person who pretends to be someone because really they are no one of any value.  They are of no value because they value no one. That means, you lost nothing.

But you have gained.  Them letting you go free is the biggest gain you could have had at this juncture of your life.  You now can create whatever it is that you want to create with your life without someone draining the life out of you.  Your narcissist ex would not have ever allowed you to fully bloom. Now, you are free to bloom. Your narcissist ex, if they had stayed with you for the rest of your life, would have drained everything that is you, would destroy anything that you could have or would want to create with your life.  Now you are free to do any and all things. Now you are free to think and believe any and all things. Now you are free to speak or gesture, or smile, or talk, or dance, or do whatever it is that you deem that you want to do without someone, your narcissist ex, critiquing your every single movement through life.

You are free.  Now go be the amazing person that you were born to be!

How to best deal with a break up from a narcissist abusive relationship.

| Nancy

Even if the relationship was bad and it did not give you what you needed, all breakups are often very difficult.  It is the end of a dream you shared. It is the end of how your life has been with that person. It is the end of what you’ve grown used to and felt comfort in.  It feels like the end of your world and feels like it because it truly is an end of one world, the world that you had been a part of with that person. With all of that there also is the biological instinct that we all still have from our cavemen days when belonging to a group meant survival, so separating from your partner brings up those old feelings of fear that feels like fear of death.

Here is the thing.  

Even though you might feel like there is no end to this pain and if you do feel that way, you just joined the whole of the population of the human race who has gone through it.  Many are going through it somewhere out there on this earth. But if you might be forgetting something. Unless this is your very first heartbreak, you know that you will get over it and you will have a chance at a new life again.  In the meanwhile, let me share with you a few things that you could do to make your journey maybe just a little smoother and make it worthy of your time If you can learn something from this journey, you will certainly be better off for it.

First and foremost, do not indulge in any criticism of whatever pains that you might feel and whatever thoughts you are having.  This is a time of self compassion, self empathy and self understanding and an unconditional self love. Realize that everything that you are feeling is a normal human reaction.  It is also a very normal stage of grieving that you are going through so just allow yourself the room to feel and don’t let yourself judge it in any shape or form. Just simply give yourself compassion and love.

You must keep up the constant focus on self compassion during this time.  You cannot do too much of that.

Second, focusing on self care is very beneficial.  It is a must. It is something I strongly encourage my  broken heart healing coaching clients as a foundation of our healing work together.  It is that important and that beneficial. 

Self care practice to remember are:

  1. Exercise first thing in the morning every day to get your day started empowered.
  2. Drink plenty of water
  3. Eat plenty of proteins and fresh vegetables and fruit (Eat nutrient-rich, unprocessed foods)
  4. Do something that makes your heart smile, for me that is singing & drawing
  5. Avoid Alcohol during this pivotal time because it will make you feel chemically depressed the next day

Next is Self-reflection work.  It is best to refrain from thinking about why your ex did anything or why your ex is anything.  There is nothing you can do about your ex or why they are the way they are or why they did what they did.  Those thoughts are a waste of your time and energy.

What you must focus on is why you stayed with an abusive person and what you must work on in yourself to grow and heal so that you do not enter a relationship like that one again. 

How a stoic would handle pain of heartbreak

| Nancy

Stoicism has been used by people going through highly stressful situations like being a prisoner of war. 

One of the most powerful stoic principles that comes in very handy during stressful times is to focus on what you can control and take focus off of what you cannot control.  In other words, if you have no power over the situation, take the focus off of it since it is a waste of your time and energy and put your focus on what you have the power to control because that is worth your time and energy.  

If you think about it, it is a smart way to live.  In addition, if you were to put your focus on all the things that you have the power to control, you might easily create a very successful life in every way.

A stoic would take a look at the various aspects of a particular heartbreak and do their best to let go of things that they have no power to control and then focus on what they do have the power to control.

Do you have control over your ex wanting you back? No!  Do you have control over your ex finding someone new? No.  Do you have control over taking back a mistake you made? No!  Do you have control over someone else’s mind? No!

Do you have control over doing self work to heal yourself?  Yes! Do you have control over what kind of a person you want to be?  Yes! Do you have control over learning something new that could enhance your life, career, joy, happiness, fulfillment and success?  Yes! Do you have control over taking loving, kind and compassionate care of yourself? Yes! Do you have control over getting your body and mind into healthy shape?  Yes! And so much more!

A stoic would tell you to focus your whole self on the second set of questions, but not the first.  The first set is a complete waste of your time and it takes you nowhere but horrible. And simple waste of time itself is terrible because you can never get wasted time back.

If you are going through a heartbreak, what set of questions would you choose to focus on so that by the end of your healing period, you could come out of it empowered and full of life?

Does the pain of heartbreak ever get easier?

| Nancy

Clients have asked me, “will this pain ever end?”,” Will I ever feel better?”, while suffering from heartbreak.  

As their Lifecoach, what I often tell them is to ask a different set of questions. Doing this will help you heal faster and you will gain powerful life skills.  You might just find a path to the best version of yourself.

 “What can I learn from the failure of this relationship?”, “What do I need to learn about myself now so that I don’t tolerate an unhappy relationship or an abusive relationship again?”,”What do I need to build in myself so that I can find a healthier partner next time?”,”What can I gain from this experience so that I can be empowered to reach my full potential?” 

When you focus on the second set of questions your mind will lead you to grow while the first set of questions lead you to emotional roadblocks.

Heart-break

| Nancy

According to one of the great stoic, Marcus Aurelius, obstacles are the very things that can powerfully help your life, if you allow it. Your heart-break could be just the opportunity that you had needed for growth in your life.