You can get over the pain from the Narcissistic relationship or any other pains from your past.
If there is a magic pill that you could take to powerfully feel better after having been abused by a narcissist or any other abuse, would you take it? Would you take it to not only feel better but to change the trajectory that you are on having experienced the things that you have?
I’m here to tell you that there is this magic pill. The magic pill is you.
It sucks to be mistreated. It is horrible. It is a horrific experience to be abused in any way shape or form. But after you grieve for a time, if you hold onto that feeling for too long, you will then begin to damage yourself without knowing that you are.
Here is what you have to do to become happy even if you had painful things that had happened to you in your past.
Epictetus, a Stoic philosopher has said, “It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to what happens to you.”
The following are things for you to begin thinking about so that you can powerfully and genuinely heal and get free of the pains once and for all.
Difficult and painful things happen to everyone. Carol Dweck, a Social Psychologist and the author of the book, “Mindset” & Martin Seligman of “Flourish” both agree that how a person reacts to pain and trauma determines how the healing takes place.
The people who heal and thrive go into a mode of growth, look for what they can learn and how they can heal and get happy
The people who get stuck in pain, end up with PTSD do not know that they have a choice so they get stuck.
This means that healing is in your hands.
Carol Dweck talks about the clients who set their goal to heal and find happiness are the ones who immediately go into the mode of learning about themselves to see what it is about themselves that they can grow and change so that they do not enter a bad situation again. You can do the same and finally heal.
What you can do now, is to begin actively looking into what it is that you must learn about the pain that you are going through, and learn about yourself. Keep asking questions like, “what do I need to learn so that I can move on from this? Then do whatever you have to do and learn whatever you have to learn about yourself to break loose from the pain that you are stuck in right now.
How do you love yourself, you ask? Love yourself the way a loving parent would love.
Tell yourself, “I love you” from your heart. Say it as if you are your own loving parent. Say those words while feeling the feelings and watch how that feels. Do this regularly.
Give yourself unconditional self compassion when you feel hurt feelings.
Forgive your past and current mistakes unconditionally.
Get to know what you love doing. Write down a list of all the things that you love doing and experiencing. Do them regularly. This is a way to love yourself in action.
Surround yourself with positive encouraging people. Doing this is a way to take loving care of yourself. This is a way to let yourself know that you are in good care in your hands.
Stay away from people who hurt you even in little ways. This is a loving way to protect yourself from harm. This is a way to love yourself.
Don’t do things for others to be liked. You need to give yourself the experience of being liked just for who you are. By not doing them, you are allowing yourself to get to know that you are worthy of love and that you are enough just as you are.
Set boundaries with others and do not let them cross them.
Be on a mastery journey. This is a journey for you to discover what you are made of, to get to know your strengths and that you can push past perceived limitations.
As you regularly and mindfully practice self-loving actions steps, the positive manifestations will become apparent to you as well as doing them will also become a habit compounding your growth and improving your life. Take the self-love action steps starting right now. Began by lovingly saying to yourself, “I love you so much!”
Your narcissist ex has left you for someone new. Even though you were miserable with your ex, you are feeling hurt beyond measure. You gave all you had. You did everything that they asked of you. You gave up so much for them while they gave up nothing. You are humiliated and feel discarded as if you meant nothing to them. You feel like nothing. You feel completely and utterly worthless. You simply feel as if you have nothing to hold onto. You don’t even know how to or where to start to feel ok. You are in incredible pain. You desperately want to feel free of this pain.
I am here to tell you that not only can you get free of that pain and move on, but you can do far better. You can come out a winner of your own life. You can find the happiness that you had always wanted. You will look back at this very moment and thank the Universe for landing you here, in this very situation because you will see that this was a very pivotal moment where you truly begin to find the amazing person that is you, the very you that you never really knew. You will find that person, that you, because of what is happening to you right now.
Let’s first annihilate the mistaken notion that you are holding onto in your mind, the very reason why you are feeling so badly, and see if you still want to allow yourself to be fooled into misery. I think you will say a big NO!
The reason why you are feeling bad about the new person, why you are feeling jealous, is because of the meaning that you are putting on the whole situation.
You are imagining that this person is the most perfect-in-every way. Ask yourself, is there such a thing as a perfect human being? The answer is “NO”. There is no such a person as the perfect in every way person that you are imagining your ex’s new person to be.
Since you are thinking that he or she is a perfect-in-every way person, you are also thinking that somehow you are less than that person and that must be why your narcissist ex left you for that person. The FACT is that you have no idea who this person is or the quality of that person so you can not judge them to be better than you. The FACT is that no one, I mean, no one, is ever better than anyone else. Your imagination that you are less than that person in some way is just your imagination based on NO FACT. How much longer would you like to hold onto a false belief that only makes you miserable?
You might be thinking that somehow, it was your fault. Let’s think about this imagination. Did your narcissist ex do things that hurt you? Was your narcissist ex abusive and controlling? Did your narcissist ex throw temper tantrums for no reason whatsoever? Was your narcissist in general unreasonable? Did your narcissist ex love you like a grown person loves another? The answer to those questions are, resounding, “No” and you and I both know that soon enough that nature of your narcissist ex will emerge with the new person. And that new person will become confused and unhappy just like you were.
Another reason why you feel bad is that you are thinking that somehow, there was something that was lacking in you, why your narcissist ex left you for someone else. Let’s tackle this one. Your narcissist ex never saw you. That person never got to know who you really are. That person does not know how to see anyone in any worthwhile depth because that person, your narcissist ex, has no empathetic curiosity to get to know anyone, ever. They have interest only in themselves so they never could have rejected who you are. They never accepted who you are by never really knowing you are and they never really know anyone other than at a surface level of their own judgment. So really they did not reject you. They cannot reject what they do not know.
In short of it all, their moving on to someone else has absolutely no meaning. Their mirage of loving acts had no meaning as they have no meaning for the new person. Their words, all of them, had no meaning. Who they are, have no meaning. In essence, you were in love with a mirage, a fake, a person who pretends to be someone because really they are no one of any value. They are of no value because they value no one. That means, you lost nothing.
But you have gained. Them letting you go free is the biggest gain you could have had at this juncture of your life. You now can create whatever it is that you want to create with your life without someone draining the life out of you. Your narcissist ex would not have ever allowed you to fully bloom. Now, you are free to bloom. Your narcissist ex, if they had stayed with you for the rest of your life, would have drained everything that is you, would destroy anything that you could have or would want to create with your life. Now you are free to do any and all things. Now you are free to think and believe any and all things. Now you are free to speak or gesture, or smile, or talk, or dance, or do whatever it is that you deem that you want to do without someone, your narcissist ex, critiquing your every single movement through life.
You are free. Now go be the amazing person that you were born to be!
Breakups are hard anyway, but a breakup from a narcissist ex is often even harder. It is in large part due to the fact that you had been practicing being without yourself in order to make it work with someone who disregarded everything that was you. To avoid problems and conflicts with the narcissist ex, you complied with their wants and wishes, learning to distance yourself from any and all things that were you. In order to get your sense of you back, you can put to practice the steps laid out below.
Rebuild your sense of yourself
Reconnect with people who you have lost touch with because of your ex
Do things that are important to you by yourself
Do things that make you feel personal meaning and accomplishments
Take charge of every aspect of your life, current, and the future
Don’t ask for permission from anyone at least for a bit and you decide to do things and do them
Decide on what you will do daily, weekly, monthly, yearly and for your future
Learn how to practice giving to yourself
Do things for yourself that you ignored during the relationship
Pamper yourself regularly
Take time to spend with yourself for yourself
Learn how to trust yourself.
Practice trusting your perceptions
Practice trusting your decisions
Practice trusting your desires
Find or be on your purposeful path
Start doing things that are about your meaning and life’s purpose and your life’s work. Do whatever it takes to start on your path or if you don’t know what your path is, do whatever it takes to find your path.
By taking the above steps mindfully, you will begin to take your life back and by taking your life back, you will reconnect with the fact that you are worthy of love and that you are enough. When you heal yourself the right way, you are powerfully healing our world in a powerful way.
Even if the relationship was bad and it did not give you what you needed, all breakups are often very difficult. It is the end of a dream you shared. It is the end of how your life has been with that person. It is the end of what you’ve grown used to and felt comfort in. It feels like the end of your world and feels like it because it truly is an end of one world, the world that you had been a part of with that person. With all of that there also is the biological instinct that we all still have from our cavemen days when belonging to a group meant survival, so separating from your partner brings up those old feelings of fear that feels like fear of death.
Here is the thing.
Even though you might feel like there is no end to this pain and if you do feel that way, you just joined the whole of the population of the human race who has gone through it. Many are going through it somewhere out there on this earth. But if you might be forgetting something. Unless this is your very first heartbreak, you know that you will get over it and you will have a chance at a new life again. In the meanwhile, let me share with you a few things that you could do to make your journey maybe just a little smoother and make it worthy of your time If you can learn something from this journey, you will certainly be better off for it.
First and foremost, do not indulge in any criticism of whatever pains that you might feel and whatever thoughts you are having. This is a time of self compassion, self empathy and self understanding and an unconditional self love. Realize that everything that you are feeling is a normal human reaction. It is also a very normal stage of grieving that you are going through so just allow yourself the room to feel and don’t let yourself judge it in any shape or form. Just simply give yourself compassion and love.
You must keep up the constant focus on self compassion during this time. You cannot do too much of that.
Second, focusing on self care is very beneficial. It is a must. It is something I strongly encourage my broken heart healing coaching clients as a foundation of our healing work together. It is that important and that beneficial.
Self care practice to remember are:
Exercise first thing in the morning every day to get your day started empowered.
Drink plenty of water
Eat plenty of proteins and fresh vegetables and fruit (Eat nutrient-rich, unprocessed foods)
Do something that makes your heart smile, for me that is singing & drawing
Avoid Alcohol during this pivotal time because it will make you feel chemically depressed the next day
Next is Self-reflection work. It is best to refrain from thinking about why your ex did anything or why your ex is anything. There is nothing you can do about your ex or why they are the way they are or why they did what they did. Those thoughts are a waste of your time and energy.
What you must focus on is why you stayed with an abusive person and what you must work on in yourself to grow and heal so that you do not enter a relationship like that one again.
How to best deal with the loneliness after a breakup – advice from a life coach.
When someone close to you is gone from your life, the loss is painful. When a romantic partner is gone from your life, the loss can be far more intense.
Here are six things that you can do to overcome the loneliness that you are going through from a broken heart.
Decide to learn about yourself and grow from this experience
Carol Dweck in her book, “Mindset” talks about the people who heal powerfully versus people who remain hurt for years and years. The ones that heal powerfully most often look inward after a breakup to see what they could learn about themselves so that they do not repeat the same mistake with their next partner. Their goal is to heal and find happiness and they heal and find happiness.
If you have a support system that you trust, share with them what you are going through
Some people may lose connection with their support network while in a relationship, especially if it was a controlling or abusive one. This is a time for you to work on reconnecting with your tribe to find yourself back again with those who truly care about you.
If you do not have a group that you trust, begin building and nurturing a tribe of your own.
Have an adventure
Do something that allows you to stretch your image of you. When you take on something that you had been intimidated by, it can let you see a new dimension about you so that you can gain self-appreciation
Seek out people who inspire you.
Instead of drowning in self-pity that everyone can get into during this time, surround yourself with voices of people who when you are around them or listening to their talks or reading their words, elevates your aspirations to lead you to reach for self-growth.
Help someone in the way that you love helping someone
If you are serving soup in a soup kitchen, you might be a person that gets touched by that experience but you may not be. I love helping people heal emotionally so when I am helping someone with their emotional wounds, I am inspired. But for you, it might be teaching someone how to paint, play music, play baseball. Whatever it is that you like teaching or helping people do, do that.
Get a breakup coach
If you’re having a hard time doing it alone, hire a breakup coach(life coach who specializes in healing heartbreaks) so that you can actively work on healing yourself.
Finally, what you need to know is that it is up to you, how long the lonely period lasts or how fast you heal. Be patient with yourself as you move up and down through the emotional roller coasters and know that if you do the right type of work, you will gain powerful stuff from this lonely experience after a heartbreak.
The Coronavirus lockdown has been stressful for a lot of people. It has caused them to feel afraid for the future and frustrated with what they cannot do right now. Some even have to deal with feelings of loneliness. None of us asked for this condition and you have the right to feel the negative feelings that you do. While that is true if there is a way for you to experience something different, would you do whatever it takes to experience better feelings than you feel right now? I am guessing yes. No one wants to feel bad and everyone would like to feel better.
Let me tell you a story about a man who was captured during the vietnam war, tortured for over 7 years as the prisoner of war and he used a philosophy to not only deal with the torturous prison but also to guide his men through it as well. He used Stoicism. It is a philosophy that comes in very handy for use during stressful times as well as being a great guide for happiness in life.
Using Stoicism, I would like to guide you through a few questions and reveal to you what you can do afterwards. Have three pages of papers ready. Or you could do this on the computer.
First, make a list of things that are happening that you do not like, because of this coronavirus lockdown?
It might go something like this:
Cannot go anywhere.
Can not go to work.
Live in a small place but cannot go outside.
Have less money now and am afraid of running out.
Gaining weight sitting at home and eating.
Feeling stir crazy
Feeling lonely
Then create two headings:
Things that you have no power to control
Things that you have the power to control.
Take all items listed in your original list and put them in the appropriate category. They might look something like these.
Things that you have no power to control
Cannot go anywhere
Cannot go to work
Things that you have the power to control
Afraid of running out of money
Gaining weight
Feeling stir crazy
Feeling lonely
According to Stoic philosophy, we should take focus off the list 1 and focus all our attention on list 2. A Stoic would believe the list 1 is a waste of your time and it is foolish to waste time.
Next, below each item, write down all the actions steps that you can take to solve the problem.
Afraid of running out of money
Make money online
Conserve spending
Gaining weight
Exercise
Eat to lose weight
Feeling stir crazy
Learn a new skill
Work on a creative project
Join and start a zoom group
Feeling lonely
Join and start a zoom group
Find ways that you can help people online
Work on your passion-ed project/If you don’t know what that is, then work on finding it
Once you have made the list and wrote out what you could do about each of the issues, you then can take action steps that you have listed.
Taking those action steps can be very powerful.
Mother Teresa was quoted in saying, “We can do hard.” We can do hard.
When you are a person who practices compassion and empathy on a regular basis, you are actively making a positive difference in the world. We all know that it is a good way to be. Yet at times, it can be difficult. When it becomes difficult is when you are not in your best form. You are not feeling at your best.
As a life coach what I work with my clients on is for them to establish practice of self love and self compassion so that they can genuinely love and unconditionally accept others.
Doing this is building a solid foundation for your ability to be joyful and happy. In addition, it is a powerful influencer for your career success. There really is no way out of it. You have to first start with you.
How do you feel compassion and empathy for yourself when you feel like you are failing at something important? Forgive yourself. If that is hard, re-evaluate your expectations and the way that you are trying to reach your goal. As you do that you just might find a better and more efficient way to accomplish what you are trying to accomplish!
Stoicism has been used by people going through highly stressful situations like being a prisoner of war.
One of the most powerful stoic principles that comes in very handy during stressful times is to focus on what you can control and take focus off of what you cannot control. In other words, if you have no power over the situation, take the focus off of it since it is a waste of your time and energy and put your focus on what you have the power to control because that is worth your time and energy.
If you think about it, it is a smart way to live. In addition, if you were to put your focus on all the things that you have the power to control, you might easily create a very successful life in every way.
A stoic would take a look at the various aspects of a particular heartbreak and do their best to let go of things that they have no power to control and then focus on what they do have the power to control.
Do you have control over your ex wanting you back? No! Do you have control over your ex finding someone new? No. Do you have control over taking back a mistake you made? No! Do you have control over someone else’s mind? No!
Do you have control over doing self work to heal yourself? Yes! Do you have control over what kind of a person you want to be? Yes! Do you have control over learning something new that could enhance your life, career, joy, happiness, fulfillment and success? Yes! Do you have control over taking loving, kind and compassionate care of yourself? Yes! Do you have control over getting your body and mind into healthy shape? Yes! And so much more!
A stoic would tell you to focus your whole self on the second set of questions, but not the first. The first set is a complete waste of your time and it takes you nowhere but horrible. And simple waste of time itself is terrible because you can never get wasted time back.
If you are going through a heartbreak, what set of questions would you choose to focus on so that by the end of your healing period, you could come out of it empowered and full of life?
